


Jenga

by sleepyhyo



Category: ONF (Band)
Genre: Blood and Violence, Character Death, Demons, M/M, Obsessive Behavior, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Smut, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:07:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26225416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepyhyo/pseuds/sleepyhyo
Summary: How can you save yourself from a fate that's already been decided?Hyojin can only keep doing never really thinking, his body was not his own.
Relationships: Kim Hyojin/Lee Seungjoon | J-Us, Kim Hyojin/Shim Jaeyoung | Wyatt
Comments: 35
Kudos: 27





	1. Meeting Him

**Author's Note:**

> yes, it's me again to pollute the onf tags i'm over my writers block and i've had this idea planned for a while. the onf priest outfits live in my head...so this was born
> 
> this is more intense than the previous things i've written so be conscious if you read this it shouldn't be too bad though!
> 
> also i'm not catholic so it's loosely written and it's more like a cult disguised as this.

His body was never his, it was to be used by the people. Only a symbol of peace or an object of desire. It was precious and made to be molded only by certain hands. From young his fate was clear but he welcomed it. As a child his parents sent him off to learn. The school was strict and governed tightly. When his hands were hit until they scarred he didn't cry, when he was put through grueling study he didn't complain. It was all for his own good it must've been. Ever did a chance arise to leave and escape he'd only sit and pray. There's nowhere else he could survive, he can't survive without this life. He could not survive without Seungjun either. None of that was normal. Hyojin was told this by many individuals in his vicinity but they to never walked out. Nothing much was hidden, they saw enough to decide on their own. A cathedral full of the hand picked. How could they be so ungrateful? Life there was not so bad. What exactly was 'normal,' though? Abnormal was all he knew apparently. To the outside things between the two seemed stagnant which couldn't be more wrong, it was chaotic and constant. Anything could happen to him he knew this. This life was given to him by Seungjun's family and he grateful to them. Having the title of a priest was fulfilling because it made him feel worthy, it gave him a purpose. He loved to help people as much as he did to please. The killing aspect was never fun even if they were all demons, he wished to save them or send them quickly back to damnation. The public streets run dampened with sin, Seungjun told him, that's why they manifest. So, Hyojin must stay with him, he was special. It was a hopeless thought to want salvation for them. Seungjun didn't feel the same and telling him this wouldn't end well so he pushed it away long ago. At times, he was terrifying. When his eyes would stare full of disdain or cloud over with that manic look. When he holds Hyojin too tight and makes him hurt. When he's covered in blood and the stench of rotting flesh is on him. Through all these things when his face would have a chilling smile lacking kindness. Hyojin knew it must be this way, that's what sets the two apart. Seungjun was wiser than he. So many times has he had to sit on his knees and watch as bodies were mutilated and burned. All types of unspeakable things at the hands of someone who cared for him. With the same hands covered in tar like blood they'd caress his face and tell him it was ok. He believed it.

Hyojin was trained directly under the head of the church but still his mind was weak at times. You'd think he'd be stronger by now. No amount of torture or scolding could change it. Always it's like this since the time at the school. A true pacifist at heart it did him good and bad. While Seungjun would stare with cold deranged eyes he could only feel hurt for those that crossed their path. While Seungjun could destroy so easily he needed a hand to guide him. Seungjun in his eyes was always great though, he was strong. He treated him no differently than those adults. They basically grew up together. Hyojin's family had no trouble giving their child away. When he asked why he was there the boy he didn't know then told him, "Because I wanted you." From the beginning it was always obviously where they stood. Friends was a stretch and lovers was a tempting thought. Hyojin was more like a prize to be kept. His existence was a symbol of the church like a poster boy. That's most likely where the dirty looks and whispers sparked from. Even with all the two faced behavior many wished for his spot. Seungjun was a relentless person though. 

In his small room a knock would often sound echoing off the old wooden floors. Opening the slot his gentle eyes would meet intense ones that always caused his body to cover in goose bumps. The door would be opened and he'd be sat on the bed. It was only one of two things that could happen. He'd be met with punishment or praise. With praise, Seungjoon would tell him he's gorgeous and perfect and to never leave him. Hyojin will nod and thank him for his kindness. On those nights his body will be used and explored until his mind is numb. Looking at the other side it's all been said and done. Burns to his flesh, broken bones, the list goes on. It's not something shameful if it's between them is what was drilled into his head. He believes it. On those nights he'd be trembling, tears and blood and filth sticking to his skin. Seungjun would always tell him he was perfect in the end and hold him. He believes that. 

This evening he's sweeping the chapel floor like every Wednesday. The sun is setting so fast, everyone will be returning soon. Hyojin puts away the broom and heads north outside of the church. This way nobody around can see him exit. Late patrols are important but he's not allowed to go. With great stress on the rule they don't allow him to leave alone. Mainly he's obedient but he cannot stay inside. If one of the nuns sees him they never tell. Seungjun is known to throw fits either way. So, he must be quick. Walking along the long road in to the small town he breathes in the air of the country. It's relaxing. Hyojin looks around and spots a man leaning against the wall. 'Very strange clothing,' he thinks. The man is dressed in a bright blue jacket the hood covering his eyes and track pants. Nobody dresses like that here. He also seems to shirtless. Mind full of curiosity he steps closer. There he sees the man is wounded and bleeding from his chest. Hyojin rushes over and touches his arm.

"Are you alright sir? Please answer if you can!"

He doesn't move or even breath it seems like. Maybe he's already died or in shock. Shaky fingers touch a red stained chest, the blood is dry. He looks up to see tired eyes and a face covered in scars. Hyojin jumps slightly. 

"Who are you?" His voice is low and makes Hyojin tense.

"I'm. I'm father Kim. Could you tell me how you got this wound?"

"Father...are you a priest?"

"Yes I am."

The man hesitates. "I was stabbed."

"You were?"

"A man stabbed me so I ran and I rested here but looks like I blacked out a bit." 

"You need to get this treated it seems strange...do you have a place to stay?"

"No. Why are you offering?" His voice sounds strained.

"Well you can stay in the churches infirmary so yes. Ah what's your name by the way?" 

"Wyatt."

It's surely not a name from this area. Hyojin takes the arm of Wyatt slinging it over his shoulder to help him walk. As they move slowly he tries to pry more out but it's not seeming to work. Wyatt acts very aware and its worrying but the man got stabbed. Nobody would be acting normal after that. Many times has he had to deal with wounded men. 

Looking up the sky has become dark. This can't be good. 

Hyojin drops Wyatt off in the infirmary and tells him to wait for him. The nurses won't be there tonight unfortunately. Quickly he goes to the office doors and opens them. The state of the room is better than usual, maybe it's because he wasn't too late. Head turning Seungjun looks at him with a frantic look. It's not the first time he's seen it but it still makes him feel guilty. He rushes over to Hyojin and grabs his arms nails digging into his arms through long sleeves. Eyes search his body inspecting him. He feels naked. 

"Where have you been?"

Hyojin fidgets.

"Answer me."

"I went out to look around...time lost me again I'm sorry sir." He lowers his head guilt eating at him.

Seungjun slowly lets him go and sighs. A hand touches his head stroking him. Another comes under his chin to pull his gaze back.

"I'm. Not angry."

"You're not?" Is he hearing correctly? 

No further remark looks like it will come. A kiss is placed on his forehead and a tight squeeze is left to his wrist. This entails a lot. He watches as a black figure fades into the dark hallway. That could've meant so many things. Seungjun was still not predictable after all the years together they had. Hyojin feared that man was not human many times. Would it deter him to escape though? No, he would never leave. Even without being scolded he most definitely knows what they will do tonight. He must move quicker this time. 

Hyojin runs through the trees to the buildings in the back. Wyatt is where he left him, sitting on the bed instead of laying. He looks much better than when they first met but something still seems odd about him. He never appeared to be in pain and the place where a wound should be was nothing. Only now has he got a good look at him.

He clears his throat. "Are you feeling alright? I hope the bandages aren't too tight I'm not used to doing this on everyone."

Wyatt smiles at him. So he smiles back. Wyatt invites him to sit next to him but Hyojin knows he should not. 

"I'm fine standing."

"Why are you so afraid? Is it because of that man?"

What could that mean? "I beg your pardon?" 

"I saw you together just now. The one with brown hair."

"Ah....you mean father Lee. How could you know of him though?"

It can't be that they met, but, the strange behavior would make sense. Could they know of each other already? What would happen to him? His breath stops. 

Wyatt laughs but it sounds distorted. "Have you not realized it yet?"

Now he was starting to fell nervous, could this man be a criminal or something? He'd surely get in trouble for letting him in, in the first place. Hyojin wipes sweaty palms down his gown. Wyatt stands up taller and broader than before, turning slightly to show the back of his shoulder. 'Oh no. This can't be.' A half demon let in the premises under his name. His body begins to shake frozen in fear. How could he have been so careless. It's not Wyatt he's afraid of though. Closing his eyes he pleads. 

"You must leave quickly. Please."

"I—"

The door opens hitting the wall with a harsh force. Even without looking he knows who's there. He's finished. Everything would be ruined. Arms wrap around his waist and hold him tight. Warily he opens his eyes to see no one there before him. A hand strokes his hair and the convulsions grow weaker. 

"You've been acting strange..."

Oh God. 

"You're hiding something."

The hand slides from his hair to his neck and holds yet not applying pressure. Hyojin still feels short of breathe.

"I've missed you today." 

He wasn't sure if he could return this sentiment since it always felt as if Seungjun was there with him. Watching. He can feel the breathe on his neck and see his silhouetted figure in his dreams. Never did a moment pass that Hyojin wasn't aware of him. His neck is released. 

Turning he looks at a surprisingly warm gaze and hugs him. It's obvious this startles Seungjun since he wasn't the type to show affection this way. Fear had overtook him and this was the only place to turn. 

He is lead deep into the building towards a high door he can never be allowed to forget. He is loved this time and begins to cry. His tears are anxious, he shouldn't be treated this gently after what he's brought upon them. cannot speak it still he is afraid. Seungjun kisses him on his lips twice first then all over. The rough palms of hands drag under his outfit and onto his stomach. It all feels too intimate. It's undeserved. Laying back his head hangs off the bed staring into the hallway. Allowing the opening of himself and his body to happen slowly. 

"Your mind is wandering I can tell. Won't you focus on me?"

"Yes, I'm sorry."

He pushes all thoughts of Wyatt out of his conscious singling in on the the fingers inside of him. Seungjun grabs his chin and reaches in to pull out that dark vial. Putting it to his lips he pulls it in but doesn't swallow. They kiss and Hyojin drinks down everything that he's given. He still isn't sure what it is but it's ritual at this point. Licking the pallet of his tongue he chokes on the bitter taste. Laying on his back he looks elsewhere. His body is quite addicted to this and he wishes to never watch unless he has too. All of it feels humiliating. Feeling the clenching and hearing the sounds is enough to drive him crazy alone. All of it is addicting. Hitting that spot inside him it's almost painful. Then he's empty again. Sex between them was never the same or its that he cannot remember if anything was overlapping already. Seungjun enters him. His body is always ready and open for him it's embarrassing. His hips moves with so much want. It makes him flush all over. Often the feeling came that his being was seen with more reverence over the God they were supposed to serve. Deep thrusts kept coming and the over intensity is painful. Cries and whines come out no matter how hard he bites his lip. The blood is rushing to his head and he's definitely sliding forward to the floor. Sweat drips down his forehead but it's not his own. He licks it away as it wets his face. Constant back and forth he squeezes his legs but they're pushed open again. 

"Don't hide from me anymore." 

It's a command more than a statement. It's seems like he's broken this rule already. Hyojin can't ever understand why it's here, when Seungjun is buried in him that he feels most free. Maybe, it's because that's when the other is most vulnerable. Panting he jolts, hands meeting the cold floor to hold himself up. His ears ring as words are lost on him. Blood rushes too his head. His arms are growing weak. One last deep thrust and he gasps almost slipping off. His eyes are bleary eyes and he blinks slowly. Standing there, watching them, watching him. It's that half demon but this can't be real. How long has he been observing? Cum burns hot inside him and he flushed in shame. Wyatt is a hazy figure perfectly still. It makes him nauseous. Seungjun drags him back up onto the bed. Passing his eyes even upside down, that must be him. It's definitely him. Hyojin is starting to lose sight. He closes his eyes.


	2. Seeing Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here you will see more of seungjun's thoughts and understand him! 
> 
> this chapter contains lots of violence and triggering things so just know that.

His eyes are forced open with the rising sun burning hot through the high windows. It was too bright in the mornings. Waking to the aftermath of what happened before his blacked out state was nothing new. Looking around the bed is empty but he can feel the presence in the room. Seungjun is still there. 

"Good morning." Comes a lulling voice. 

"Good morning father." he whispers. 

Slowly his body moves into an upright position it's so stiff it's almost like he's not moving own his own. To think that way it was almost ironic, he felt like a marionette. Looking ahead Seungjun sits in a chair legs crossed. Very rarely does he see him this way, hair slightly messy and without his cassock. The button down and black pants he has still feels professional, still seems dominating. Showing, in his posture to the shine on his shoes. An anxious habit, he brings his hand to hold his other arm. It's bare. Hyojin realizes his outfit is different as well, these are not his clothes either. Hand picked through Seungjun himself his usual wear only consisted of fully white simple clothing. Did that make him closer to an angel in Seungjun's eyes? Probably so. But Hyojin did not feel like am angel now. He felt only guilt and sin lying in his heart. He had to confess before it was too late. 

—  
Never a time passed where Seungjun didn't want to be in control. It's not like he needed to be but such power was just given to him. Many had thrown themselves at his feet groveling and dirtying his space with their empty words. From the growing point to young adolescent his patience wore thin. All of the children thrown his way were worthless, they were unpure and had nothing to offer. With a guarding hand over him his grace had to be given either way. Running a catholic school did not seem like something he wanted. Those people were not worthy. A few had caught his eye but that's a small few. Escaping and starting his own name was always the plan. Reverence would feel sweet. Just like fate one day his father brought him before the class. Anger built in his heart for he'd asked to not go. Not everything went his way and feeble narcissism almost ate him apart at times. His image came first. Simply smiling through gritted teeth he went along. Perhaps something would entertain him. 

That day his new life was set into action. Upon entering the small class his eyes skimmed the kids. Nothing was found of interest. His fathers words went through his head in one ear out of the other he didn't care about introductions. From the looks on their faces they already knew who he was. Common knowledge it was of his search for a perfect, "friend" he told his parents. That person would be more than just that but they didn't have to know. Partially he'd assumed that's another reason he was brought their. To galavant with the other kids gathered like cattle. That's what they seemed like to him, livestock. A small push was given and he walked into the rows of desks bowing slightly to each person. Door closing he knew his father was gone. Seungjun never needed schooling this was his teaching was drilled into his head from birth it seemed. Today only he'd humor that. 

"Would you like to take a seat?" the teacher asked sweetly. 

Of course he wouldn't sit among them. 

"No, it's better to stand. Practicing resilience is key. And, I do not plan to stay here. You may resume your lesson mam."

Her face seemed shocked, probably from his vocabulary but honestly it was stolen from such adults around him. Speaking with eloquence did you well he'd learned. The room settled back into silence only the sound of pencil to paper traveling through. Seungjun sighed then and skimmed his eyes over the room. This was the first time he'd stunned. In the corner was a boy who looked around his age, dark brown hair and large sad eyes. He was on his knees fist balled on top of them staring ahead of him never moving. It's didn't even seem as if he was breathing. In that moment he knew this was what he wanted. 

After that day he left his words behind and came to that class three more times. Every time the boy was on punishment and he wasn't sure why. His name, he neared, was Hyojin. A fourth day came and he got tired. Seungjun watched and knew the schedule of this boy as well. When the children were set free he'd followed him towards his room and grabbed his arm. Hyojin flinched and stood eyes squeezed shut. 

"Look at me." 

Hyojin complied quickly. Confusion passed through his eyes most likely expecting an adult. 

"Oh my. Have I done something wrong?"

"Why do you think so?

"You are the father's son..."

"Why do you always get punishment?"

Hyojin bit his lips and looked at his feet. 

"I deserve it."

"Come with me then. You can learn at my home."

"What do you mean?"

"We'll adopt you. You cannot say no anyways."

Hyojin smiled then, it was bright. The first other expression besides fear or sadness the boy had made. 

From that moment he kept Hyojin close and molded him into his perfect being. Hyojin never complained and took all that was given. Maybe that's what filled his ego.  
—

He looks over the man he's become today, sitting in his bed. Seungjun knows him inside and out and Hyojin is hiding something. Usually he'd force things out of him. Even with all the pressure given Hyojin was a weak soul. Whatever he thought was going to happen to him he didn't know. It was fun to keep him guessing. To be so scared from just leaving the church it made him shiver. Nobody else made him feel this way. Today only would he let it go since it was a blessed day. 

"Hyojin do you know what today is?"

"No. I'm sorry."

"Mm. Today you must perform an exorcism on your own."

A obvious shift in demeanor is noticed. 

"I...I cannot you...Please father do not make me!"

Seungjun grabs him by the hair and pulls his head back . Hyojin gasps. Dragging a finger over his neck he frowns. 

"Maybe I've been too nice to you recently you forgot. I hate to hear those pitiful sounds from you. Beg all you want but you will do it. There is no debate."

Tears slip from Hyojin's eyes but it didn't matter. To reach utopia it was essential for him to get blood on his hands there was no stopping it. 

Seungjun's deep rooted hatred for the demon race was simple as it combated his own existence. Those monsters were not necessary in this world. Even dirtier then the unchosen humans it sickened him. Their temptation and contamination was working against everything he wanted as well. After founding the church a year before they began to show up. He'd anticipated the arrival. For days he'd avoided them, watching and planing. Through the woods one had ended up touching him and that's the first life he'd actually taken. Decapitating it he pinned its head to a tree through the eyes and cut its body up until it was unrecognizable. As the blood splashed up and covered his face and clothes it was warm. So warm and liberating. The adrenaline that overtook him was dizzying. Hyojin had been there and sat shaking like a leaf among the others on the ground. Seungjun felt wonderful, holding Hyojin to his bloody chest he told him this was going to be ok. A second wave of his new life finally came in that moment.

Hyojin trembles as they walk to the altar. Seeing the horror was just enough to cause his stomach to hurt, as the years passed and it didn't stop. It became familiar. The sounds and the sight of it all, even the feeling of his skin crawling. It made him want to peel it off like everything was on him and not Seungjun. He could only wait in silence until it was over. Resting in the back of his head it was always known that one day he would be up there performing the exorcisms. Days, weeks, months, and years have passed and still he only watched. There's no way to be ready when he hated it so bad. Just with all other things Hyojin can only take it in. This was why he was there. He had to pull it together. Seungjun, using a lone thumb caresses his face and he looks up sullen. 

"You will love it darling trust me. Covered in red you'll look beautful there is nothing more freeing and important in a priests career than this. With me watching over you feel honored. It's only you."

It has been so long since that name was bestowed on him, 'darling." Something that reminded him of those more juvenile times.

On shaky legs he walks forward. There strapped down is a person or what used to be one. You can always tell the difference between the three. A full blooded demon, humans turned by their own selfish ways, or half demons. Which was more terrifying? It was all the same to Seungjun though and he couldn't mess this up. To "exorcise" here meant to kill. There was no driving a spirit out and all of that it was just to kill. It's eyes are still open and it looks him in the eyes. Clasping his hands he begins to pray. Reaching with eyes covered in darkness he grabs the dagger and raises it high. Peering down the demon still stares at him not moving. His arms shakes but Seungjun is watching. He can't mess up, he won't mess up. Down it drives in with so much force he almost loses grip. It's all up to his will. Twisting, deep and grinding it the scent of rotten flesh rises. Hyojin breathes quicker. 

"Continue."

Dragging it free he chokes as blood begins to pour out. He has to calm down. 'It will be over soon,' he tells himself. Fingers trying for more they pull open the wound. Black coats his hand. It's disgusting. Pulling out the what was once a human heart a sound of approval comes from behind him. The body begins to convulse a bit and it causes the opening to grow wider. Blood oozes and flows so much it leaks leaks over the altar like a waterfall. Trying to set it back into place cold hits him. Blood is covering his mouth and face. Hyojin feels so sick, looking down at his arms they're elbow deep in black. Dropping to his knees he sobs in pain. He can't do it. His head is pulled back dragging him. 

"Get off the floor Hyojin." 

"Haven't I done enough Father?" 

This will not end well. Seungjun let's him go standing before him. 

Voice dark and dripping of acrimony he asks, "Will you not obey?"

Hyojin shakes his head. The first slap to his face is grating. Lying down the hits keep coming. Throwing him to the floor he feels so very dizzy. Before he can stop it bile rises in his throat. He's throwing up. Hyojin has never felt so humiliated. Trying to stay aware eyes scanning for something, anything to focus on. Again that hooded figure is standing smiling down. It can't be real this time. It shouldn't be real. That man Wyatt leers at him smiling. Sweat drips off him and he's not being hit anymore but the pain still sits. 'Please make it stop.' 

Fading into murk he passes out.

Waking to an empty room and aching body it's so much worse than anything he's felt before. He was scared. Rolling over the coarse sheets rub against his skin. This bed is not his, it's obviously the infirmary. What a disgrace he was. None of this was what he wanted. Constantly why was he being broken? Hyojin just wanted to be something. What else could he give now? The only person left for him was Seungjun and he was probably going to exiled or even murdered. No more tears can come he's so tired. 

"Are you alright?" 

It can't be. Hyojin looks over his shoulder. 

"Why are you here? Why do you keep appearing? Am I being tested by God?"

Wyatt laughs. 

"Hyojin or I guess call you Father Kim...this place is not for you."

"What do you mean?"

"You do not need to live under that monster."

"He's not a monster! Father Lee treats me well he only wants me to succeed."

"Hm, but he hurt you." 

Wyatt holds his face and it's strange, his hands are so warm but in a bad way. It feels like his whole body is being caressed. Hyojin doesn't have the strength to pull away. 

"It's because I deserved it...I could not complete this simple tasks what's wrong with me?"

The question is more for himself.

"Nothing is wrong. You're perfect, that much is true."

"I'm starting to think it is not."

"I can show you if you tell me to."

This was not ok. To even be in the presence of this man was a death wish. No farther could he slip though. He nods his head. Smiling softly one hand covers his eyes. His lips are dry and bruised but they're touched. Soft and gentle fingers rub against them. Wyatt pushes his thumb against it. Hyojin knows what he wants. This is starting to feel dangerous. He cannot think straight. Wyatt pushes his thumb deep in to the back of his mouth and holds it there. Again is that odd warm feeling. Then it is gone. Hyojin opens his eyes to nothing. One of the nuns opens his door. 

"You are wanted in the head office."


	3. Feeling Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> seungjun is acting strangely and hyojin meets with wyatt. this is the first encounter for his road to turning.

Those words shouldn’t make him shrivel with hesitation but it does. Never had Hyojin felt the threat of death until this very moment. Every experience whether it was obvious the outcome would be painful or not the unknown of how was always apparent but Seungjun was never a person that he actually feared would take his life. From the moment they met he just followed him because Seungjun was a sponsor over his choices and existence. No wound could turn his head from this, pain was like a virtue now. Under his feet the floor sounds with each step he takes, the steady click clack of his black boots makes his heart race. All around the feeling of eyes on him was suffocating. Even if those people were hidden among the shadows Hyojin knew they were there, judging him. They most likely heard something had happened or happened to see him being carried off. A lie was easy to spread amongst the others especially when it was about him. It was like he was walking to judgement day but instead of the hope for eternal glory it was too hell. Looking with wary eyes upon the large doors once again his hands push against them stepping inside the room allowing it to shut behind him. The loud noise of it closing rings through the space. Dragging his feet forward, Hyojin stands before Seungjun. He’s sitting on the edge of his desk. Just like everything in the room it’s black in color, Hyojin still remembers the first time they got it together heading towards the opening of the church. He has many memories trapped inside of this entire place like a ghost who’s soul is trapped to the house it died in. Without even saying a word it feels like instinct for Hyojin to get on his knees and assume his position. To atone for his resistance he was probably being made to pray without resistance. This meaning that Seungjun would actively try and break his concentration. Of course it was never so simple as that. Many days and night had he been tortured under that hand. As a punishment this once was very rudimentary, it’s not something that’s been used on him in a long time. More so it’s for younger priests in the church like scolding a child almost. For him nothing was good enough though. With bruised knees and aching legs he was not allowed to move until Seungjun was satisfied. 

“You may recite the prayer now.”

The words flow out of him like a second language at this point this among every scripture and every verse, were drilled into his mind. Eyes closed his other senses are on high. A foot presses against his crotch. His breath stutters but he doesn’t stop. Ending the prayer he wait unmoving for his voice. 

“Again.” Seungjun commands.

Not new in its form its not even the worst experience he’s had but something wells inside him now. He starts again. The heel of a hard boot presses again and then against his stomach. Hyojin squeezes the rosary in his hands so tight it digs into his smooth palms. Overwhelming vexation is growing on his heart. Chuckling at his animosity, almost like he can read his mind, Seungjun’s leather clad shoe slides under his chin. Tilting it upwards he opens his eyes. His expression must be amusing from the smile he receives. Whispers begin to buzz in his head. ‘Push him away,’ the voice persists. He cant do that. ‘Do it,’ the voice tempts. Hyojin feels the urge to reach upward and strip himself from his spot. He cannot.

“What’s wrong darling?’ There’s that name again. It makes sourness build in the bit of his stomach. 

Deeper the cross cuts into his hand. His whole body burns. Trying to ignore his words he looks to the mirror. In his reflection there is a person so foreign in appearance. Who is this? From the nape of his neck white begins to wash into black hair. Is that…me? Hyojin looks away closing his eyes trying to calm his beating heart and the heat inside his body. 

Seungjun seems to grow bored of him quickly as the hours pass. He’s told to go back to his room for the day and not to leave. There must still be strange feeling from the night that preceded. As man of proclaimed faith he too feels guilt as strange as that would be. Seungjun is in high regard for himself as to not have things to feel guilty for. Though the emotions of Father Lee like all other attributes are confusing. It was this guilt though that he wondered was towards his own well being or because of self practice. This to say, Hyojin’s failure set them back. Hyojin was supposed to be righteous figure, the vessel for Seungjun to work though. It was becoming harder it seemed to fulfill this. He only sat and gave praise over and over. His own blood has now stained his hands and arms as well as his cross. Only his mind troubled him though. A voice not his own kept speaking to him. It tried so hard to deter Hyojin. With great possibility it could be the one who visited him just hours earlier. Also, the image of an alternate self filled him with fear. 

Nearing his own room and entering the bathroom a sigh slips out. Washing the blood away, red mixes with the water. From the swirling against red porcelain Hyojin looks to his reflection again his pupils shake. He looks so tired. Hyojin reaches for his hair but nothing has changed. What was that image? Has it come to a point where his mind was playing tricks? Hyojin goes to sit on his bed staring at his feet. 

“You look troubled again.”

Here is another sudden moment where that voice appears. He turns to his side. 

“Let me ask you…are you real?”

“You can see me can’t you?”

“There are many things that can be seen and cannot be seen but that doesn’t determine if it’s real or not.”

“I am real.” Wyatt clutches Hyojin’s wrist dragging it forward to feel his chest. As if to confirm it. 

“Why do you keep disappearing then? I do not understand why you keep coming to me.”

Wyatt lets him go. “In this life many people are driven by want. Isn’t there something you want Father?”

That was not a question that ever crossed his mind. Only to serve positive purpose in the life, that was his reason to live. “Being controlled by selfishness is shameful….no I do not.”

“You are very hypocritical or I see naive.”

“How so?”

“What you do here is not normal is it?”

“Those things are only trial. My covenant with Father Lee is not one that is through carnal desire.”

“Would you do those things with me then?”

Hyojin stares at him in shock. How could he ask of such a thing?

“It is not the same. You are also a product of hell’s influence even if not fully.”

“But I’ve already touch you here.”

Wyatt places his thumb against Hyojin’s. His eyes look unnatural now yellow they pierce through him. Embarrassment rises and Hyojin’s cheeks flush. Something burns at the back of his throat. It is becoming difficult to breathe. Hands slide down his torso slowly. Head spinning Hyojin feels weal all over. His body slumps against the wall. Settling in him again is that strange warmth. Wyatt moves lower towards his legs. The eye contact is making his head spin. He knows he should turn his head, he should push away. But he doesn’t. Lifting his hand again Wyatt hold his wrist to his palm gently. Kissing it first, then dragging his tongue across the cuts. It stings and makes his hand shake. Undoing the long rows of button Hyojin allows himself to be undressed. Exposing his chest it feels weird. Nobody else has seen this vulnerable state of his like this. Wyatt smiles so sweetly Hyojin starts to shake.

“Tell me you want.”

It’s not right 

“Yes…Yes I want it.”

Touching him over his pants Hyojin feel so dirty. Sweat is dripping down his back. Hyojin bites his hand watching Wyatt undo the button. It’s so hot and the hand is making it harder to breathe but Hyojin wasn’t to hold onto this. Wyatt strokes him, the fabric on his legs feels constricting but he cannot move. Pulling out his dick Wyatt touches every spot his hands are rough and scarred. For the first time Hyojin really looks at him since the night in the infirmary. On his hand is a symbol that was not there before. It’s cut or maybe burned on and looks like it glows so brightly. Stroking him Hyojin has never felt like this before. This was lust with charge it must be. Wyatt smirks up at him and then swallows him down. Hyojin tenses lifting his hips up. ‘What a filthy thing to do.’ Never had he or Seungjun done this before. He sucks him deeply squeezing the expanse of skin where his hip and thigh first meets. It feels strange no it feels great. 

‘God…please forgive me.’ Hyojin pleads in his mind. ’My body is not made for this but here I allowing such things to go on and in your home. With this monster no less.’

Coming up Wyatt licks him and stares. Hyojin cries out biting down and feels his skin break again. He came. Sitting up Wyatt holds his head to his chest. All of this is too much it is too overwhelming, Tear slip from his eyes. Weakly he tries to speak, his throat feels raw.

“Wyatt…”

“Call me by my given name now. This is Jaeyoung, but never tell anyone this.”

Jaeyoung.

“Look over there Hyojin.” 

Turning his head Hyojin sees himself in the reflection of the window. His hair is like how it was in the mirror. It's blotched with that white like a stain almost. But this cant be real? Wyatt. No, Jaeyoung runs his hand through his hair and speaks into his ear. 

“You are beautiful. Do you like it?”

He believes this because he is. 

“I do.”


	4. Becoming Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyojin is alone and he’s losing himself. There was no such thing as destiny. All he had is all he’ll have but to get a taste of power above that, it’s dangerous.

Tainted souls, a person falls into madness and becomes a devil. Selfish desire is the dive that brings most to this point. Every reason. Every person’s will is different but they end up the same way. To be saved was a rare blessing. Even with that, even a fewer rare have actually succeeded.

When Jaeyoung first laid eyes on this Father Kim. He can only describe it like he had witnessed an angel. While looking up at him in his vision he was cloaked in an aura of darkness. Each time after it seemed to grow larger. 

There is no memory in that man’s mind of the times they’ve met before, but it is true that he also does not look the same as he did back then. The skin on his face and hands were not scarred and red as they are now. No, it was smooth and unscathed. His hair is also shorter now. Cut against his will, a scar etched into the side if his head. It’s almost as if he is an entirely different person, well, he is. 

Passing as a normal human came easy at first but it became harder each and every day. Every day the feeling of his body decaying from the inside grows stronger since the moment his humanity was taken away. Some nights he would wake shaking with a cold sweat on his floor. His head leaning against a pool of sour smelling blood and vomit that’s leaked from his mouth as he had choked on it and threw it up. During that time as it wound down for him to fully turn he tried so desperately not to fall deeper into it but it was impossible. His urges were so strong, if he didn’t act on them it felt like the pain of resistance would kill him. All over his body would sting the sensation of pins sticking into his flesh and fire burning in his lungs. Many times had he tried to take his own life but that too was not an option that he had anymore . 

That day when he saw Father Kim again, Jaeyoung felt as if he’d been saved again. Just hours before he ran from the other half demons. In his mind he had no idea where to go. They had beaten him. See, that is a theme in Jaeyoung’s life, to be at the bottom of the pole. Crushed under everyone’s feet like he is nothing. It’s not like it would change anything though, if he were to die that was. The trip was already waiting for him the minute he raised the ax above his head and swung it towards the back of his father’s head. A pitiful man, Jaeyoung did not regret it, not at all. 

The blood splattering against his face had filled him with so much freedom and relief. Sounds of bones cracking and muscles tearing, it was wonderful. As the eyes of that man went dark and lifeless, that was supposed to be his first and last time to raise the ax against someone. Displayed amongst the wet grass of their backyard for everyone to see, there he laid. 

Life never works the way you want it to and he learned that lesson so many times. Why would it have changed then? He was foolish. Where he is now, a broken and disgusting creature. That was his fault. That much is true. Jaeyoung can’t say he would’ve changed what he did that is his fault.

That night in the infirmary was different. It was a true sliver of hope. The demons told him if he did not find a tether soon his existence was more useless than now. To be a demon with no will was worse than anything else. To become an empty toy. Except, Jaeyoung did not care about all of this; he'd rather fall into the inferno of hell as soon as he could, his lust to kill was sedated. He didn’t want to turn anyone else into what he was, so he fought it all. Even if it caused him to be tortured and eaten from the inside he has endured it all. 

So, that afternoon where the sky was glossed over in a hideous orange hue Jaeyoung sat against a tree and wished for death to come. He would not be given a chance to move on. He submitted. ‘Who. Who will I find?’ 

But, there was still him. That priest with the black hair and gentle eyes, how could he forget him? So, he went to the place they’d met with hopes to find him. There he was just the same as before and the blackness had seemed to have taken over him. It covers him like a thick blanket but he himself was obviously not the cause of that darkness. Though, it is whoever placed that darkness over him that Jaeyoung regards slightly. Because then Hyojin will fall easier, and fall he will. 

“Be my tether Hyojin.” Jaeyoung whispers. 

“What do you mean?”

“I want to be saved?”

“Please…I want to help you. How can I help you.”

“Form a pact with me.”

Hyojin wants so desperately to save him. He can save him and then everything will be ok. Jaeyoung was not like them, he was good inside. Hyojin would save him. Yet, this was nothing like he imagined. It was sounding like he was to sell his soul. Under his skin it felt like it was itching, like something was crawling inside. Hyojin reaches to scratch at his hand. His mind is foggy. Another hand pulls it away, stopping him.

“Do not hurt yourself.” 

Hyojin racks his head for a sign but finds none. 

“Ok…I will do it.” 

Hyojin would save him.

— 

After that Hyojin has become different. It’s been days since that night and Jaeyoung keeps coming to visit him in his bed. To touch him and fill his head with promises. Still Hyojin was reluctant. Is it really ok to do the things he does with Seungjun with him as well? Both of them were tied to him though. Hyojin felt greedy for having them both. They are vastly different from each other. He can close his eyes and still feel both of their hands on him when he is alone. Hyojin does not hate either of them but Jaeyoung seems to touch him with so much want. Not the kind of want that Seungjun has. A sweet want that he can almost taste like thick honey being forced down his throat. His need for relief is so strong, it is shameful. While sitting in confessionals or against the church pews he will have that warmth envelop him and he’ll squirm or close his legs tighter together than usual. Even worse Hyojin likes the warm feeling in his gut and the guilt, it’s exhilarating. 

All of it would end soon though, and he could wash himself of this sin. 

In his head, Jaeyoung would be there telling him things. Like, of how his body felt and how it tasted. His words were so vulgar and the things they did were no father away from it. For the first few days he covered his ears begging for it to stop but of course that didn’t work since it was a sound coming through his own head. A deep voice laughed at him and told him to raise his head. Hyojin looked at himself in the mirror and his face was flushed like a whore. That’s what he felt like. For the first time Hyojin sees himself for what he is really turning into. 

Hyojin can see the changes in him as well as feel them. The white in his hair was a shock to the others. Nobody questioned him about it. Just like everything else they hold their tongue and give him looks. Surprisingly, it was received very well, by Seungjun. Hyojin told him, his voice shaking that he had dyed it that way. It was strange to just have it there but Seungjun acted as if it were not serious at all. Not only that but sometimes his eyes will turn red and it scares him. If that were to be seen by someone else it would surely not have the same response. Hyojin wears contacts now to hide it just in case but still that fear sticks to him. One thing that made him the most confused was the emblem on his tongue. Jaeyoung had kissed him once and his mouth was burning hot his tongue felt like it had been pierced. Hyojin had moaned and not paid mind to it that much. When he was around Jaeyoung that was an effect that seemed to happen a lot. With Seungjun it was as if he could never say no while with Jaeyoung he could never think straight enough to say a thing. In the morning Hyojin’s mouth felt so dry and his throat ached. Drinking down water that didn’t soothe him stuck out his tongue to see it there. A symbol drawn into a circle, that was too intricate to understand. As he looked at it went away in that moment and hasn’t come back. Or, he is not sure because he is too ashamed to look and Jaeyoung has been silent recently. Hyojin doesn’t want to believe or face the fact he has given his soul to a devil because that cannot be true. This pact would end when Jaeyoung’s pain ends. 

—

Hyojin is slipping and he’s all alone he realizes. Jaeyoung has disappeared and in his place Hyojins own thoughts have filled back in. Now, they are sick and strange and it makes him cry and scratch at his head. Anger was something he had beaten out of him but now Hyojin felt so angry. He was becoming too different and it was hard to hold it down. Seungjun was noticing this shift in his personality. ‘I won’t be able to hide this for much longer.’ 

Hyojin feels lost. He feels lost as he stares out into nothing when he is supposed to be sweeping. Lost, when he snaps at a nun and almost breaks her wrist. Also, another part of him that is driving him crazy. His need to be touched. It’s like he will die without it. He’s losing his mind. As fast as everything came he’s now thrown into a hole he can’t climb out of.

Seungjun calls for him. In this moment, Hyojin has tried to swallow down everything, gripping for sanity. He just has to wait. He will go back to normal. He has to.

Hyojin enters the office with his head hanging low. He can’t bring himself to make eye contact. 

“Hyojin.” 

The tone of his voice makes his knees buckle. 

“Come before me.” He commands.

Hyojin steps forwards on shaky legs and drops to his knees. 

“Tell me. What is it that you have to confess?” 

He doesn’t know how to respond to that. He can’t respond to it. Doesn’t want to. 

“There is nothing to confess Father…”

A hand comes down and pulls him up slightly by his neck. Seungjun stares at him, eyes swirling with rage. 

“Do not lie to me. Now, is your only chance to speak.”

Hyojin is not sure why but he laughs at him. Seungjun looks stunned and it makes him laugh harder to have made that expression pass across his face. 

His thoughts are quiet and a voice breaks through. Clear and low. It asks him, ‘What do you want Hyojin?’

“I want you.” He begs.

The hand on his throat that loosened in the shock tightens again and he gasps. 

Wetness, he can taste it. Blood flows down over his lips, his nose is bleeding. The urge to lick it away is there but he simply looks up into dark eyes. Anger and lust it’s all so sweet. He smiles knowing he’s won. A thumb touches his skin and rubs it over his mouth. Soft lips painted in red, dripping down his chin. Slowly flowing down his neck under his collar. It stains the white fabric. Seungjun visibly shivers at the sight.

“Father please kiss me.” 

Seungjun looks like he’s conflicted, like he’s unsure and Hyojin loves it. This power. It’s different. But, a tongue drags over his lips and sucks on them. He’s kissed breathless and his mouth tastes faintly of blood and sweat. He is pushed down into the rough carpeted floor and Seungjun’s mouth makes his head spin. Hyojin moans and lets himself feel it all for the first time. This isn’t like how it usually feels with him and it’s exciting. Hands slide under his cassock and over his clothed thighs squeezing them. Pressing down on him, Hyojin opened his legs wider. Seungjun lifts off of him then and he wants to groan in frustration but he holds it back.

“Is something wrong Father?”

Seungjun runs a hand through his hair and his eyes are clouded over with something. Hyojin wants to ask him more. He holds his tongue.

“You are dismissed for the day.”

Hyojin isn’t sure if he heard that correctly but Seungjun is turned away from him already. 

He leaves the room without saying anything and goes to his own, back sliding down the door. 

He has never acted that way, or asked for anything for himself. All he can think about though is his body. Hyojin wanted to be touched. He opens his legs. His hands itch to move. Never has he touched himself alone. Unzipping his pants, he sits there for a second feeling nervous. Something about this seems somehow more dirty. Inherently a selfish behavior. Hyojin takes himself in his hand and strokes slowly. And he’s aching already. Hyojin moves his hand just like that. He comes into his fist faster than he expects. Hyojin looks down at his hand and wipes it on his pants. Inside him is a piercing sort of emptiness and Hyojin knows that he is lost. 

— 

Hyojin is alone. Again, he can only relate the two to each other and they are both avoiding him it seems. Jaeyoung talks to him sometimes but he won’t come to him. No matter how much Hyojin asks him to, Jaeyoung will only tell him to wait. Hyojin isn’t sure he can wait much longer. Now, he is put to work doing mundane things that are insulting to a priest of his level, honestly. But, he knows better than to complain. Now, two days have passed and the last time he saw Seungjun was as he left the church. Hyojin wanted to know where he went but nobody will tell him. The urges and the thoughts plaguing his mind have dulled a bit. To calm himself he has taken to biting the side of his hand. It hurts but the pain at least reminds him that he is still alive. 

‘Hate him.’ A voice screams at him. 

“Please stop,” he whispers. 

‘Kill him.’ 

Hyojin’s body goes still. Who, he was not sure. He was afraid to think about who that was about. He could never kill someone. He didn't want to kill anyone. No matter how low he fell, Hyojin would never do that. His grip on the broom in his hand tightens and his hands shake from it. 

“Father Kim…”

He turns at the sound and there is one of the nuns. She looks at him with concern and Hyojin hates it for some reason. It makes him sick. 

“Yes, what is it?”

“Father Lee has returned.”

“Oh,” Is all he can think to say. 

“He has requested that you stay here. At your room.”

Hyojin stands in his room uncertain of what’s to come. Rarely did the other step into his room. At least not for a matter of discussion. 

Seungjun enters and holds Hyojins arms. They stand in silence. A suffocating kind.   
  
Pulling him back into the open door of his bathroom he’s placed in front of the mirror. Hyojin has become afraid of his face, turning away from his reflection. He’s not sure of what he’ll find each time. Looking now, he is tired. His eyes red from crying and the lack of sleep. He’s a mess. Turning his head Hyojin is avoiding.  
  


“Look at yourself.”

Hyojin keeps his head turned.

Seungjun’s fingers slide into his hair, gripping and pulling up against his scalp. The pain throbs through his head as his face is shoved against the mirror.

“Look at yourself! You’re disgusting.” His voice pierces with so much hatred and mirth.

“You’re a _monster_.”

Hyojin has never heard Seungjun call him this before. His eyes cloud with tears. He doesn’t want to see. ‘It cannot be true. I am not a monster I’m not…’

“Speak.”

“I’m…I’m sorry Father.” Hyojin chokes on his words, feeling panic set in. “I. Have done something terrible. Forgive me...”

Seungjun scoffs at him and leans down to his ear. “I already know what you did.”

‘How does he know?’

His face is pulled back from the mirror and he’s turned around. His back pushes into the sick and he wants to arch away from the pain. Hyojin stays as still as possible afraid of what Seungjun will do to him. Seungjun looks at him with a calm look. 

“How can you be do stupid Hyojin.”

A hand cups his cheek and he jumps at the contact.

“Answer me.”

“I...I don’t know. I just wanted to help. I swear it.”

“Tell me. Where is your boy now?”

”I. I don’t know.”

Seungjun hums. Taking in his words.

“Let me show you something darling.”

Hyojin starts to breathe hard. He’s going to die. Seungjun was going to kill him. And, he deserved to die for what he’s done. 

With a hand at his back, Hyojin is taken to the main hall of the church. He knows they are going to the altar. Hyojin was not short of a demon at this point. All he can do is be thankful, that it’s he who is going to be the one to do it. 

The doors are opened and Hyojin feels cold.

Hyojin knows who it is laying on the floor the moment his eyes rest on their figure. Jaeyoung’s body lays lifeless and Hyojin drops to the floor. His head is removed from his body and a hole is open in his chest. He holds the fabric of his clothes bunching it up. Hyojin closes his eyes. He begins to cry. Should he scream maybe? He doesn’t feel a sense of mourning for Jaeyoung’s death either. Only a longing and guilt. All of this. It was his fault. ‘I’m going to die,'' he thinks wistfully. Tears slide down his cheeks warm against his cold self. 

An arm wraps around his stomach and pulls him back into a chest. 

“Do not cry anymore Hyojin.”

Hyojin opens his eyes, blinking out more tears. Biting down on his lip and trying to choke down his sounds. 

A hand covers his eyes. 

“Do not cry. You are free.” Seungjun whispers with a sweet tone. Hyojin can tell, and can hear how fake it is.

“There is only me as it’s always been. Nobody else can save you but me. You’re free.”

The arm around his stomach tightens. He’s trapped. Strong sobs rack his body.

Because, Hyojin didn’t feel free. He felt trapped. More trapped than ever before. Even had he given himself completely away there was no better path for him. His soul is not his own, and never has been. Not even was it for everyone like he once thought. How could he forget? 

It was Seungjun. Everything was his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it has been a long time now that i’ve put this off. i must free myself from the shackles of jenga before i move any further in making more fics i struggled to end it and now, my voice for writing is different than when i started this. i just hope the ending was enjoyable because i know a lot of people like this story. but anyways thank you for reading as always <3

**Author's Note:**

> uhh please give me feedback perhaps hope you like this <3


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